|A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession had been around the longest. Deciding to back up his position by resorting to theology, the doctor pointed out that God created Eve from one of Adam'sribs. This, he argued, was clearly a surgical procedure, which meant thatdoctors had been around since the creation of man. |
The engineer, not to beoutdone, pointed out that God created the entire earth out of chaos. This,the engineer exclaimed, was clearly the work of an engineer, proving thatengineers have been around since the creation of the earth.
- Well - said the lawyer with a grin on his face - obviously there were lawyers around before that.
- What do you mean - asked the others.
Replied the lawyer:
- Where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?
|A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked |
- How much is 2+2?
The housewife replies:
The accountant says:
- I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me runthose figures through my spreadsheet one more time.
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice:
- How much do you want it to be?
|A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.|
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
- How much for Engineer brain?
- 3 dollars an ounce.
- How much for Doctor brain?
- 4 dollars an ounce.
- How much for Lawyer brain?
- 100 dollars an ounce.
- Why is lawyer brain so much more?
- Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
|One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each other.|
- Hey, watch where you're going!
- No, you watch where you're going!
- Ican't, I'm blind.
- Hey, me too. What are you?
- I don't know, what are you?
- I don't know... How about we check each other out and see if we canfigure out what we are?
- OK, me first.
The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out:
- You're warm, and soft, and furry, and you've got these long ears,
and a nose that wiggles... I think you're a rabbit!".
- Yes! - the rabbit exclaims - I'm a rabbit!
- Yes you must be, now my turn, come check me out!
The rabbit then starts checking out the snake:
- Ooohh..you're cold, with beady little eyes and a tongue
that's going about 10 mph...
- Oh Crap! - exclaims the snake - I must be a lawyer!
|There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said: |
- St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?
St. Peter looked at him and said,
- I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday.
Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said,
- I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get
married, come back and we will talk about it again.
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said,
- Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered,
- Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.
But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said,
- Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
|A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. |
- Tim, you be first, - she said - What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said,
- She's a doctor.
- That's wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said,
- My father is a mailman.
- Thank you, Amie - said the teacher.
- What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
- My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said:
- I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
|While on safari, a tourists noticed a leopard following a herd of elephants and eating large mouthfuls of their droppings. The tourist inquired as to the reason for this strange behavior. The resident naturalist explained:|
- The leopard had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
|A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. |
- Only a shilling? - said the Justice - Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
|A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said:|
- I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied:
- Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
|- How can I ever thank you? - gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he hadsolved her legal troubles.|
- My dear woman - Darrow replied - ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.
|A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: |
- Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.
|The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time...) |
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to Him-self,
- If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with brownstone houses.
Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out
- Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies:
- Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first damned lawyer to make it up here!
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