|A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."|
|A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.|
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?"
|One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" "It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table." One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" "The operation was a success, but the patient died."|
|An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a physical examination of the wife. The wife is delared in perfect health, but the doctor says that he also would need to check the husband's semen in order to accurately advise the couple.|
The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, "Listen, I'm getting old. I can only "do that" about once a week."
The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial, telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample.
The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, "Well...I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink...but we still couldn't get the top off the damn bottle!"
|What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?|
He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.
|Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?|
|Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MD From "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15 Scrotum Self-Repair |
One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification. Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
|How did the blonde try to kill the bird?|
She threw it off of a cliff.
|Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." |
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
|A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids."|
|I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!|
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