|Bill: My wife beats me, doctor' Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble! Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. Liz: But I'm the examiner!|
|A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids."|
|There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.|
|A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." |
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
|It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"|
|A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity." A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor. "Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor."|
|An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can't believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.|
At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.
The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. "That's easy," she says, relief obvious in her voice. "All he wants is your pajama pants."
|What do blondes and cow pies have in common?|
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
|Doctors at University Hospital in Amsterdam, Holland, are piping disco music into incubators to improve the breathing rhythm of premature babies. The doctors say they started the technique with Perry Como records, but found infant breathing was too slow and unable to keep a beat, so they switched to disco.|
|How did the blonde try to kill the bird?|
She threw it off of a cliff.
|Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." |
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
|Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?|
Because she kept eating all of the ones with W's on them.
|Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Trish: Really? What colour?|
|The government in the Malaysian state of Perlis, during August of 1994, announced that it would crack down on conservative female Muslim physicians who use pencils or pens or long objects to examine male patients. Many Muslims believe it is a sin if a woman touches a man other than her husband.|
|A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal disease and prescribes antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there. The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for analysis. The lab reports: "The lipstick can be removed with soap and water." |
|This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.|
Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...
Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.
Doctor: He's got no arms either...
Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!
Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear...
Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.
Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!
Doctor: Louder!!! He's deaf too...
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