A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession
had been around the longest. Deciding to back up his position
by resorting to theology, the doctor pointed out that God created
Eve from one of Adam'sribs. This, he argued, was clearly a surgical
procedure, which meant thatdoctors had been around since the creation of man.
The engineer, not to beoutdone, pointed out that God created the
entire earth out of chaos. This,the engineer exclaimed, was clearly
the work of an engineer, proving thatengineers have been around
since the creation of the earth.
- Well - said the lawyer with a grin on his face - obviously there
were lawyers aroundbefore that.
- What do you mean - asked the others.
Replied the lawyer:
- Where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?
1 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked
- How much is 2+2?
The housewife replies:
- Four!
The accountant says:
- I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me runthose figures through
my spreadsheet one more time.
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice:
- How much do you want it to be?
2 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offeredat
this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
- How much for Engineer brain?
- 3 dollars an ounce.
- How much for Doctor brain?
- 4 dollars an ounce.
- How much for Lawyer brain?
- 100 dollars an ounce.
- Why is lawyer brain so much more?
- Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
3 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped
into each other.
- Hey, watch where you're going!
- No, you watch where you're going!
- Ican't, I'm blind.
- Hey, me too. What are you?
- I don't know, what are you?
- I don't know... How about we check each other out
and see if we canfigure out what we are?
- OK, me first.
The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out:
- You're warm, and soft, and furry, and you've got these long ears,
and a nose that wiggles... I think you're a rabbit!".
- Yes! - the rabbit exclaims - I'm a rabbit!
- Yes you must be, now my turn, come check me out!
The rabbit then starts checking out the snake:
- Ooohh..you're cold, with beady little eyes and a tongue
that's going about 10 mph...
- Oh Crap! - exclaims the snake - I must be a lawyer!
4 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before
they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted
in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom
took St. Peter aside and said:
- St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but
we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows.
Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?
St. Peter looked at him and said,
- I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married.
I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that.
I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday.
Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels
into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said,
- I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get
married, come back and we will talk about it again.
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said,
- Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your
request.
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years
after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered,
- Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful
ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful.
Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing
his finest hand-woven sari.
But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized
they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty,
this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.
When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said,
- Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven.
Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
5 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents
did for a living.
- Tim, you be first, - she said - What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said,
- She's a doctor.
- That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said,
- My father is a mailman.
- Thank you, Amie - said the teacher.
- What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
- My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said:
- I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like
that to a seven-year-old?
6 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
While on safari, a tourists noticed a leopard following a herd of
elephants and eating large mouthfuls of their droppings.
The tourist inquired as to the reason for this strange behavior.
The resident naturalist explained that the leopard had just eaten a
lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
7 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
- Only a shilling? - said the Justice - Only a shilling to
bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
8 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter
and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to
the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said:
- I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied:
- Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients,
and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
9 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
- How can I ever thank you? - gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow,
after he hadsolved her legal troubles.
- My dear woman - Darrow replied - ever since the Phoenicians invented
moneythere has been only one answer to that question.
10 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.
They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as
follows:
- Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.
11 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their
new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such,
St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.
Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the
front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a huge palatial estate with
all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer
will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time...)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to Him-self,
- If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a
street lined with brownstone houses.
Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile
and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out
- Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a
beautiful estate home and I,spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up
with this dive?
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies:
- Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here
with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets
an estate, because he's the first damned lawyer to make it up here!
12 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
- You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background - sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
- If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment - replied the witness.
13 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge
who had presided at the hearing.
- Your honor - he said - I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of
mine.
- Why ? - asked the judge - He won your acquittal. What do you want
to have him arrested for?
- Well, your honor - replied Carlson - I didn't have the money to
pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.
14 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.
- How's it going? - someone asked.
- Not too bad - said Diogenes - I still have my lantern.
15 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case
and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for
driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty.
He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that
they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience
and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over
in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty.
The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to
go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was
totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see
what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge
said:
- Well have they got a verdict yet?
The bailiff shook his head and said:
- Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches
for the foreman's position!
16 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car,
the little girl asked:
- Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
- Of course not, dear - replied the mother - Why would you think that?
- The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man'.
17 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon.
After 8 hours in the air, George says:
- Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says:
- I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.
So Harry yells down to the man
- Hey, could you tell us where we are?
And the man on the ground yells back
- You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.
George turns to Harry and says:
- That man must be a lawyer.
And Harry says:
- How can you tell?.
George says
- Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.
18 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said:
- And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?
19 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days,
he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
- Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? - he
cried - I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!
- Well - she said - when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided
it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.
20 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week
that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their
experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit,
but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
This emotional involvement was interfering with the research
being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2) Lawyers breed faster.
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian
societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolateour test results
to human beings.
21 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
- The old drunk, of course,
the other three are only fictional characters.
22 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited
a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.
The friend, eager to get a free bee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they
had a splendid time in the country-rising early and living in the great
outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around
the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town
as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
- He's in THAT one! - cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions
of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had
to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting
an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
- Whatdya do that for! - exclaimed the lawyer - I said he was in the other!
- Exactly - replied the sheriff - and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?
23 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack;
pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
- In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowherein the world you
can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in The Ukraine. And we have
so much of it, that we can just throw it away...
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle
through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it
and begins to smoke it saying:
- In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in
the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...
Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window.
One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the
American just stands up, opens the window,
and throws the Lawyer through it...
24 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks,
- If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do
I have a right to demandpayment for the meat from the dog's owner?
The lawyer answers,
- Absolutely.
- Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today.
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several periods of time later the butcher opens the mail
and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
25 - 26-Jan-1996 - lawyer